Truth.

"Self hatred, guilt, it accomplishes nothing; it just stands in the way...in the way of true change."

-Anonymous

Don't Take Anyone's (especially your ex's) SHIT!

Dealing with a Break Up During the Holidays

After a break up, especially a break up from a long relationship, you're going to have a lot of "firsts".....first Thanksgiving without him, first Christmas/Hanukkah without him, first birthday without him, etc.

How am I planning on getting through this "first" Holiday season without him?

In Hindsight

Did you ever have one of those moments while thinking back on a past relationship when you're like...."oh yeah, I should have seen that coming"?

Don't worry...most people have one or many of those moments. That's because a lot of people who are on their way to being "done" with a relationship use some of the same methods of distancing. 

Read this article to learn how to spot relationship trouble before he surprises the shit out of you!

How to Spot Relationship Warning Signs

PS My ex used a lot of these mechanisms, so I've had a lot of the aforementioned "moments"

I knew this day would come...

So here I am....acting all cocky thinking...wow...I'm doing great! I know I'm doing better than I was and I know I'm in a good place.

And then that little bitch doubt comes along...

There are going to be times when you wish you could just get back together. Break ups are NOT easy...in fact they're pretty fucking hard. So many people aren't strong enough to deal with them, and they end up doing the easy thing by getting back together.

I guess SOME cases may end in a reconciliation, but I doubt that many SHOULD.

Milestones...

So I hit a milestone this past weekend....I saw the ex for the first time in almost THREE MONTHS!

It was Penn's homecoming, so a lot of my friends were gathering from around the country for a weekend of celebration and debauchery. I knew it was inevitable that I would run into the ex....as I've said PLENTY of times before, we have many of the same friends.

Instead of going through the whole story, I'm going to give you a list of "do"s and "don't"s for seeing your ex for the first time. I will not specify why I've come up with these things, but you can figure it out...

1. DO look AMAZE.

2. DO sip on some liquid courage. Sorry, but it does make things easier....

3. DON'T get too drunk and ask him about his masturbation habits......yeah......seriously....

4. DO tell him how great you're doing.

5. DON'T insult him.

6. DON'T try to go home with him. I PROMISE I DIDN'T DO THIS! Just thought it was probably worth mentioning.

7. And finally.... DO depend on your friends. Shout out to my girl A. Norb for sticking by me. This is what friendship looks like...I leave you with this gem.

And...NO...I'm not glaring at him. I really don't know what I'm glaring at, but it was not him.

Why stay?

So this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Why do people stay in relationships even if they don't think that it's going to last forever?

I've compiled a top 4 list...

1. Comfort. If you've been in a relationship for years or even months, you're definitely comfortable there. Chances are you've settled into a smooth routine. You have someone to complain to and someone waiting for you when you come home. Though comfort in a relationship is a tempting reason to stay in it, it's not worth it in the end. You're probably in desperate need of change and growth, and no one changes when she's comfortable.

2. Fear of hurt. I used to say to my ex all the time, "You shouldn't avoid a relationship just because you're afraid that it will end." I was...mostly right. The fact is that for most people, 99% of their relationships end. Ideally, all but one of your relationships will end. Some will end in tears, some will end in screams, and some might end with a handshake (who the hell does that?!), but the point is that most relationships fail. In the beginning, that fear should not stop you from trying it out. Every relationship offers room for growth and maturing. But if you're STAYING in the relationship for fear of the end, then it's time to end it.

3. Sex. Not that all couples have sex, but if you do....you don't really want to give that up. It's nice to not have to actively pursue a partner every Friday at some grimy bar with disgusting men hitting on you and then you end up drinking too much and then you have beer goggles and then....well you know the rest. But it goes without saying that sex is not the be all, end all. It's definitely not something that should keep you in a bad relationship. There's always this option! Bedroom Kandi

4. Friendship. Most people in good relationships would describe their boyfriends/girlfriends as their "best friend." And it makes sense. If you're spending most of your time with that person then you're probably telling them everything about your life. They know more about you then most other people. And it's scary to think that, if and when you break up, that person still holds all of that information and all of that responsibility. But the reality is that there are most likely other people in your life that will be there for you in your time of need. Rely on your other friends, and you'll be surprised how supportive they can be.

There are other reasons for avoiding break-ups like...money, children, etc....but I have no experience with that shizz, and I'm not going to pretend like I do...

Sex Dreams about your EX?!?!?!

Have you or are you currently having sex dreams about your ex? Well, here's what it means!

According to Ian Wallace, a dream psychologist and author of The Top 100 Dreams: The Dreams That We All Have and What They Really Mean, a sex dream about your ex is normal, but something that warrants your attention.

"Your ex. You thought you were finally over him, and suddenly he’s back in your dreams — naked. Why must our minds torture us so? According to Wallace, if you’re dreaming about an ex-lover, it could mean that you’re unknowingly repeating bad habits from your failed relationship. Consider this type of sex dream a red flag."

BTW....totally not speaking from experience.

56 Days

56 Days. That is how long it's been. My original goal for the he-tox was to last 30 days. I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF MYSELF!!!!

But today I decided it was time to reach out to the ex, check in ya know?

Now remember...we were friends for a while before we started dating, and we share MANY good friends. Friendship was definitely the end goal.

And I think that just might be possible...

Song of the Day

A perfect it's-been-3-months-since-my-break-up song!

Enjoy!

Carry On -Fun.

When I saw that I got invited to my ex's bday party...

....after I hadn't invited him to mine.

Where Have I Been???

I'll tell you.

I've been MOVING ON!

Well not THAT kind of moving on, but I'll get there!

Attack of the GING!!!

For those of you who don't know me personally, I have been a [fake] blonde for about 3 years now. I always felt like I was born to be a blonde. But I did something crazy...

I WENT GINGER!!!!

I cannot believe it...it still feels like a wig to me.

So I bet a lot of people are thinking, "oh she totally wanted to dye her hair to make a statement after the break up..."

Well guess what...

I fucking did. Do you have a problem with that?

Okay now that that's off my chest...sometimes you need to change yourself on the outside when you feel like you changed on the inside. And I finally feel the change. So deal with my red hair!

Also...

totally inappropriate to dress up with my ex as Gotye and Kimbra for Halloween??

I have a bone to pick with Gotye...

So I've been wanting to blog about this song for a long time. You know the one I'm talking about. You heard it played 17 million times on the radio in the past few months. And everyone and their mother did a cover.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is an awesome song. I love it, in fact! But I have some serious issues with his logic and arguments.

1. "But you didn't have to cut me off, make believe it never happened and that we were nothing!"

You're wrong, Gotye. We DID have to cut you off. At least for a while. After a break up, the only thing that can really speed up the recovery process is cutting yourself off from the other person. Take it from me...I successfully completed my 30 day he-tox, and it was well worth it.

2. "I told myself that you were right for me but felt so lonely in your company."

Seriously? Shut the fuck up. Were we THAT bad? Like so bad that it was as if you were alone? Come on. You were getting some and we were listening to your problems and we were most likely doing some kind of cooking for you. Cry me a mother fucking river.

3. "No you didn't have to stoop so low, have your friends collect your records and then change your number."

Actually, we did. It was kind of drastic, but it needed to be done.

4. "Now you're just somebody that I used to know."

Really? Really, Gotye? Stop being a little bitch. We had some great times. We probably had some really shitty times too, but it was still a relationship. Just because we're not talking or seeing each other now doesn't mean we won't in the future.

Gotye Somebody that I Used to Know

Milestone

This is big, guys...

I finally finished the tissue box that I started the day of the break up. It took 2 1/2 months for me to do that. I'm no tissue expert, but I think that's pretty good. I can usually plow through an entire box in one week during a bad cold. So this means that I didn't cry as much as you probably all thought!

Oh and there's the infamous roll of toilet paper. That clearly took the brunt of the crying on the first day...

DON'T LET THIS BE YOU AFTER YOUR BREAK UP!

He's still the first person on my "friends on chat"

What the hell, Facebook?!?!? Like...you're FACEBOOK so you know that we broke up and you know that I only allow myself to go on his page like....once every few days.

SO WHY IS HE STILL THE FIRST PERSON ON MY FRIENDS ON CHAT???

Way to rub it in....

I WANNA BE RANDOM!!!!

Okay so this part of the break-up definitely varies person to person.

WHEN DO YOU START THE RANDOM HOOK UPS??!?!

And I'm not going to specify what I mean by "random hook up", it can mean whatever you want it to mean.

Most people I've talked to about the break up process say that random hook ups really help. They're a distraction and most of the time they don't mean anything. But when is the right time?

I have now been single for over two months, and I can't seem to bring myself to take the plunge.

Not that I'm saving myself for "him" to arrive on a horse and declare that he's made a mistake and beg for me back, I just don't really feel.....ready.

BUT. If I find out that he had a random hook up, WATCH OUT WORLD! The wrath of Jess will be let loose.

I must be the first one...

Me Time

Sometimes you just need to take some "me time"

Especially after a break up...

Wise Words

Sometimes the worst thing that happens to you, the thing you think you can't survive...it's the thing that makes you better than you used to be. 

-Jennifer Weiner

OkCupid

I have a confession. I made a profile on OkCupid.

It was a moment of weakness, it was about 2am on a Wednesday night, and I was SURE that I was going to meet cool and exciting people.

I was really wrong.

I should have turned back after like....the first few hours, but I figured I should see it through for a while for the story.

So I immediately start getting these creepy messages, and I'm SURE that most of them are using fake pictures or fake information. It was just....an all around bad idea.

I think I'll give old-fashioned dating a try first.

What I'll look like...

when I see my ex with a new girlfriend.

Children of Divorced Parents

So a few of my friends who currently live in the New York area came to Philly to visit this weekend. They also happened to come to see a show that my ex is in.

I LITERALLY had to be like....well let's coordinate this so that [ex] and I don't have to see each other.

HOW SHITTY IS THAT?!?! I feel like they're children of divorced parents. They had to split their time between the two of us.

And you know what...I was THIS close to going with them to the show. And then I realized that it's really important to maintain all shreds of self-respect that I still possess.

Did I want to see the show? Yes. Did I want to see him? Yes. Did I want to "randomly, no way what a crazy random happenstance" run into his MOM there? Yes. Did I want her to tell me how much she misses me and wishes her son wasn't such an IDIOT? Yes.

Yes.

But I didn't. And I'm proud.

FACEBOOK STALKER

Do you have to delete an ex on facebook? If only just for the beginning?

I can't bring myself to do it. I'm trying to pretend that it's not, but I know it's that one little window into his life that I just can't give up. Am I at fault? AM I MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE?

Honestly, it's not really bothering me that much. Just something I was thinking about...

Thoughts?

Breaking Bad Inspiration

A relationship can be like a drug, you can become addicted to it. So if you're trying to "quit" your addiction, you have to avoid it until you don't want it anymore.

That's the motivation behind the HE-TOX!

But you can't just go to rehab for 30 days and come out completely healed! As a friend of mine said, you'll just go through rehab thinking "I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF HERE SO I CAN SCORE SOME COKE!!!"

So it's important to take as much time as you need to break the bad. See what I did there?

Keeping Friends Posted

So I went back to Penn last night for a party. I got to see a lot of people that I haven't seen since the break up.

And guess what....SO MANY OF THEM WERE CAUGHT UP WITH THE BLOG!

You have no idea...I was literally preparing for so many questions like...."How's [insert ex's name here]?" "How was your summer?" And then I would have to explain and tell the story like 17 times.

Instead I got a lot of "I read your blog, so I know how you're doing." It was such a relief. Just another reason why this blog was a great idea!

GIRL POWER!

Alright people, it happened. He caved. It has been 9 days of the cleanse, and today HE TEXTED ME.

Backstory: I have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). It's really gross, and I don't want to go into the details. But basically, I get physically ill when I am stressed/sad/mad/anxious/nervous/etc.

So this text today went a little something like this:

"Hey so I know we aren't talking but you should really try cutting out artificial sweeteners and sugar alcohol and see if it helps your IBS"

Here's what I wanted to say back:

Hey so do you know what REALLLLLLY would have helped my IBS??? YOU NOT DUMPING ME OUT OF THE MOTHER FUCKING CLEAR BLUE SKY AND CAUSING ME SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PAIN.

Luckily, I kept my composure and responded with "Okay thanks"

Does he SERIOUSLY think I could lose my boyfriend AND my diet coke habit? 

HELL NAW.

Love Yourself....It's not as easy as it sounds

One week of HE-TOX down, three (or more) to go!

I have to admit, I'm feeling okay. I'm feeling better. I'm not going to go and say I'm "cured" or anything, but I am feeling better.

I've been learning a lot about life/myself/relationships/emotions/people over the last few weeks. And everyone always tells you that you have to "love yourself" before you can truly give yourself into a healthy relationship.

But how do you do that??!?!?!? Doesn't it sound stupid? How do I love myself? But it's really hard to figure it out.

So that's why I've decided to give myself a little "me-time." Don't get me wrong, I love me a "me-day", but I'm a people person. I hate being alone. Which makes this whole "being alone" thing really difficult. But over the last week or so, I've tried to just be comfortable being alone. It hasn't always worked, but I'm trying!

Take some time and get to know yourself. As lame as it sounds. There's a 95% chance that there's more to you than YOU even know.

Emma Stone's Break Up Story

So in the newest edition of Interview Mag, director Cameron Crowe interviewed Emma Stone. He asked her a question about her first heart ache. Here's what she had to say:

"I was crawling on the floor. I remember throwing up. It was so visceral. It's like someone has killed you and you have to live through it and watch it happen...It was awful."

I KNOW IT, GIRL! It's crazy because if you're not going through a break up, those words seem SUPER dramatic. But if you are, you COMPLETELY understand. It really is painful - emotionally and physically.

But it's nice to know that you're not alone, and that even celebrities feel this way!

Drink, Drink, Drink...

What do you think my friends' first suggestion was post break-up?

TO DRINK!

A lot of people do things to numb the pain: drinking, eating, etc. I don't want to get too graphic. 

But it's really important to DEAL with the emotions in a healthy way (read: soberly), and deal with reality. 

That being said...drinking can be fun once in a while. And there is NOTHING wrong with a glass of wine....or two.

More on the Cleanse

So it has now been 4 days. 4 WHOLE DAYS! I had to delete his number from my phone (Don't worry, I wrote it down and "hid" it) to remove the temptation.

I got really drunk last night....but it was my first time OUT out since the break up. Don't judge me.

It was hard, but life goes on. And you gotta roll with the punches!

30-Day Cleanse

So I've decided to go on a 30-Day Cleanse...and not the kind that includes lots of cayenne pepper drinks, the break-up 30-Day Cleanse.

My ex and I decided (well, I guess technically he decided, but I was thinking the same thing!!!) that we need to distance ourselves. What we were doing wasn't really working. And when I say "wasn't really working" I mean wasn't working at all.

Okay, fine, I admit it. We'd texted occasionally, talked on the phone a few times, and even saw a show with a group of friends.

It wasn't working.

As much as I wanted to believe that we could be friends (I mean, come on, we were friends long before we were dating!), it just isn't possible right now.

So I've started the Cleanse! Today was day #1. No texts, no calls, no Facebook posts, no Words With Friends. This is not going to be easy. In fact, it's going to be very hard. But there's nothing I like more than a challenge.

I'll keep you posted!

Excuses...excuses....

Break ups????

If only it was that easy...

Love vs. Fear

Break ups are supposed to get better with time, right? Well I don't know about you, but I'm about ready for that part to kick in. But I digress.

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship. (obviously, you're blogging about it, Jess...)

I know, I know, but hear me out. So I dated my ex for about 2 years and was "involved" with him for about 3. That's a pretty long time. The time between the "involved" portion and the "dating" portion included a lot of me fighting to convince him to be with me.

I remember when I first met him. I got those butterflies that everyone talks about. I knew that I wanted to be more than friends.

But even when we were dating, I always had this fear of impending doom. Like deep down I knew that it wouldn't last forever.

I want to share this section from a book I'm reading.

"Falling  in love (or lust) and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear."

Still letting that one simmer, but thought I would share.

Words With...Ex?

Is Words With Friends the new drunk text? My ex and I haven't been communicating much lately, but we're still playing Words With Friends!

Yesterday he "nudged" me to make a move. I don't know...but something about that seems weird.

It's like....what does that "nudge" really mean? Does it mean I'm thinking about you? Does it mean I LOVE YOU AND I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE??!?!

Kidding, I know it doesn't mean that! But there's something very strange about it.

But I still made a move...

Eventually you'll remember his faults...

So it's been a few weeks. Relatively fresh, but I've passed the one month mark.

But, do you notice that you really only remember the good times right after the break up?

It doesn't matter if 90% of the time things were bad, you're going to think about that 10% for a while.

Not that I'm saying that's true for me...but my relationship certainly was not perfect. I spent a lot of time worrying about the status of my relationship and less time enjoying it than I should have.

But right now, it's all Valentine's and loving memories.

.....I'm ready to move on to the bad memories...

When I give in and text my ex....

Don't Waste the Pretty!

No matter how old you are, you're only going to get older. So don't waste the pretty, people! Get back into the game and find someone who treats you like the Queen you are!

Feeling Down???

Cheer up! You have things to be thankful for.

One of those things being that you are not this woman...

Monthly Check-in

Well....it's been exactly 4 weeks - one month - since I was dumped.

You ask how it feels? It still feels pretty sucky.

Week 1 feels like it was YEARS ago. Imagine....4 weeks ago today I literally couldn't imagine myself getting through the WEEK, let alone getting through the MONTH.

Week 2 was strange. It was beginning to sink in and feel real. The "fighter" in me kicked in.

Week 3 was optimistic. I began to see the positives, I was feeling stronger...it seemed like things were looking up.

Week 4 was angry. I guess what they say about the stages of grief is right. I just can't seem to find consistency in my stages.

But I really do believe that the hardest part is over. If you're a month in, congratulations. Let's keep living and loving life - curve balls and all.

Don Draper Wisdom

A lot of people stay with someone because they're convinced that that person can "change." 

Guess what.....people don't change for other people. 

Imagine how hard it is to change for yourself...so why would you change for someone else?

The lesson is that people don't change. They are who they are, you can take it or leave it. In the immortal words of Don Draper...

"People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be."

               -Don Draper

Dealing With It

How to handle a man....

It's an age old question.

Sorry, men out there reading this blog, but sometimes you guys can be reallllly emotionally unintelligent.

Sometimes after a break up, the best thing for both parties is distance. That's usually hard for a lot of people. If your ex is making it difficult, I feel your pain.

But you have to be strong. Don't believe them if they start saying things that sound like they're changing their minds...most of the time they're just confused and still hurting. Not being able to commit 100% to a decision is a sign of weakness, and nobody needs that.

AnGrY pOsT

My books have not gotten here yet....

HMPH

Don't Blame Yourself...

Now if you cheated on your ex or you were a horrible girlfriend or you put too many demands on your ex, then yes....blame yourself.

BUT, if your situation is anything like mine, you have to make sure NOT to blame yourself.

I know everyone says that the "it's not you, it's me" line is bull shit, but there is truth in that.

I was a great girlfriend, and my ex will be the first to admit that. But sometimes your best is not what he needs. This is not your fault, and you shouldn't waste ANY time feeling guilty or thinking "what could I have done?" because this is a waste of time.

I am definitely guilty of feeling this way, but when I do I make sure to remind myself that this was not my fault.

LOVE YOURSELF! And before you know it, someone else will love you just as much.

I FIGURED IT OUT!

Omg....I realized exactly what happened!

98 degrees kidnapped and brainwashed my ex!

But seriously I heard this on the radio and this is LITERALLY exactly how it went down.

The Hardest Thing

Should have seen this one coming...

This picture was taken a mere days before D-Day. (That would be the break up in case anyone was unclear...) We attended a wedding, and I think it really got to him.

Look at how happy I look.

Now in order to keep his anonymity and save him from any embarrassment, I have scratched out his face. But it looks something like this....

HE WAS BUGGING OUTTTTTT. In hindsight, I should have seen this coming.

PS I am GLOWING in this picture. Who would break up with that?!

It's hard to let someone go...

So at this point (3 weeks ALMOST exactly, if you were wondering...) it's getting tough, right?

You want to call and text and facebook and creep...

BUT PLEASE DON'T!

It only makes it worse. I read somewhere that Demi Moore is STILL calling Ashton Kutcher....and it just makes her look pathetic.

You don't want to be that girl.

Although I have to admit that I've been a bad girl with the texting....

BUT IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY! TEXTING IS MY LIIIIFE!

Take it day by day, but try to get rid of daily contact.

That's my advice for the night!

A New Low

I just ordered a few "break up books" from amazon

I'll be sure to share any gems I read.

All these bitches...

....on Jerseylicious are GETTING ENGAGED!

STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE!

TREAT YO' SELF!

In order to symbolize my new chapter, I bought myself a new bra. It's the little things.

It's not real love until my initial is on your head.

This 17 year old camper of mine is truly dedicated to his precious A'Lexsus. The A on his head stands for her. Now all those other bitches know who he belongs to!

Okay I'm not totally serious, but I did do an "aww" when I saw it.

If he loves you, he'll do this for you!!!

How to handle the first meeting post break up

Now depending on your situation, you may not ever have to see your ex again. But for you gals out there like me who need to be around your ex, the first meeting can be uber tough. 

I now know from experience.

It's weird, you know? Like, the last time I saw you you were dumping me. 

But follow this simple rule, and you're sure to be fine...

Be honest.

I didn't purposely try to make him feel bad, but I also didn't soften the blow. I told him straight up what I'm doing and how I'm doing. (I even came clean about the blog...)

I left feeling okay. It could have been a disaster, so I think this is a good sign!

busybusybusybusybusy

#1 rule?

Keep yourself busy.

DUHHHH

How to not annoy everyone around you...

Okay so if you're ANYTHING like me, you're going to want to talk about your break up over....and over....and over....and over again.

Unfortunately, no one else wants to talk about it that much. I can already tell that my mom is ready to blow, and she HAS to listen to me. I'm sure most people are thinking...

So what should you do? Well...I could tell you to blog, but then you'd be stealing my thunder. So I'm going to give you this piece of advice:

Take the amount of time you want to spend talking about it with friends/family/etc and cut it in half.

I know it's hard. I constantly have to remind myself that the people around me want to talk about other things besides my break up.

But I'm told you'll want to talk about it less and less. So there's hope!

ANOTHER SURVIVOR

Queen Camille.

courtesy @tkylemac

The Break Up Blog Playlist

This is my exact playlist. I think I've listened to this about 57 times over the last 2 weeks...it's amaze.

I tried to find songs that kind of fit my situation, but it was challenging. There's no "Take a Bow" on this because I don't want to sit and listen to a song about a cheater when that has nothing to do with my situation. But of course Queen Bey had some gems that I just couldn't leave behind.

We All Want Love - Rihanna
Farewell - Rihanna
I Care- Queen Bey
I Miss You - Queen Bey
Best Thing I Never Had - Queen Bey
Start Over - Queen Bey
Harold Song - Ke$ha
Someone Like You - Adele
Fix a Heart - Demi Lovato
Skyscraper - Demi Lovato
In Real Life - Demi Lovato

Okay so Demi, Queen Bey, and RiRi are definitely getting me through this one. THEY FEEL MY PAIN!!!!

How soon is too soon?

Okay a little bit of a more serious post here. What is the proper way to add "distance" when there's no animosity between the two parties?

As I said before, my ex and I have no hard feelings - I mean besides the fact that he ripped my heart out and stomped on it - but you know what I mean. I know we'll ultimately be friends, but what's the protocol?

So far I'm taking it day by day. If I'm feeling good that day and I don't feel the need to text him, I don't. But it's hard! There's no written rule, and I think each case is different.

I'll let you guys know if I discover the magic answer.

When it's real on Facebook, it's really REAL

It was one of the hardest parts, I'm not going to lie. Changing that relationship status took BALLS. The stakes were so high!

Because once it's on Facebook, the entire world knows. And then you'll get like 21 "likes" which really means that 15 of those people feel badly for you and 2 are happy and 4 just feel awkward enough to acknowledge that they noticed. And then you get people commenting things like...

"Oh girl don't worry there are so many fish in the sea!"

or

"WHATTTT HOW DID THIS HAPPENNNN?!?!?!?!"

...and who wants to have that shit on their timeline? I sure don't.

So here's how you do it.

I changed my relationship status to "single" but I made it so that "Only I" can see it. So now it doesn't say it on my page. And I also hid the horrible "Jess went from in a relationship to single" from all newsfeeds.

So unless someone is really checking my relationship status daily, people didn't really notice.

And that's how you get it done, girls. No shame, no humiliation, but it's really real.

CYCLES

So one of my best friends got dumped today.

Is this a coincidence? Or do best friends get dumped together as well as cycle together?

I don't know what to thinkkkkk!

If Kim can do it, so can I

Is it sad that literally my 5th big thought after the break up was...

Well Kim got through her break up and so did Rihanna and so did Katy Perry. They're all fine, so I will be too!

What do you think got them through it? Does money make a break up easier? I feel like it probably doesn't. Everyone has to go through the same stages of grief, right?! Kim can't buy her way out of a break up!

Then I realized what they do....

THESE BITCHES GO TO THE GYM!

So lemme tell you. I have been werkin it OUT at the gym. And honestly, I can listen to Someone Like You and not even think about the break up. The gym works wonders.

If you have to say "I know this is cliche..." don't say it

I'm sure you all have be given cliche advice in your lives. But cliche advice after a break up seems to be particular irritating. I cannot tell you how many people have said...

"This is probably for the best."

"All things get better in time."

"Every cloud has a silver lining."

Or some variation of those three. Honestly, like, do they think these things are helping me? Don't they know I can google "cliche" and get the same advice? I feel like I'm doing this inside my head 50% of the time my friends are giving me advice.

But listen, I get it. No one really knows what to say. It's really hard for them!

That's what I'm here for, girls. Imma be REAL WICHU!

What to do for the 12 hours after a break up?

Listen to Rihanna's "Farewell" on repeat.

Rihanna's Farewell

This was me the whole time....

Courtesy of my man @tkylemac

So you had a bad day...

Alright so I'm going to make this part short and sweet so as not to incriminate the dumper. He's not an asshole, he didn't cheat on me, he didn't text me a break up! So I just want to keep his name untarnished.

So I'll set the scene a little bit. The day that "all the evil started" (I will literally pay $100 to anyone who gets that reference) happened to be the day he was moving out of his apartment. 

I walk into the bare apartment and sit on the hardwood floor. Halfway through the dumping I actually lost blood circulation to my legs and had to stand up. I'm sure that was a really cute look. 

I was wearing jorts, a summer staple of course, a sports bra and a black tank top….it was in the middle of a heat wave. Not the ideal outfit to be broken up with in, but whatever…I could have dealt with the outfit. But the real problem was the make up. Of course I wasn't expecting to be DUMPED that day, so I didn't bother to wear my waterproof mascara. Bad decision.

I left the apartment with a roll of toilet paper in one hand, phone in the other, mascara ALL over my face (I don't think there was any left on my eyelashes), sunglasses on and with a limp from the loss of blood....I was a sight.

I'm screaming crying walking down Spruce Street not caring at all who's watching or judging me. I did make a mental note to remember the comedy of the situation. 

And that was the beginning of what promises to be a long journey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKzYo-nI23M&feature=fvwrel

ODE TO THE DUMPED

My name is Jess, and I'm 22 years old. I just graduated from college with a degree in psychology, and I have ACTUALLY NO IDEA what I want to do with my life. I graduated in May and am currently working at a summer theater camp for pre-pubescent tweens. I am learning things like the meaning of "cake" and…no, it no longer refers to a delicious dessert. Thanks, Rihanna.

Once camp is over, I have no idea what I'm going to do!!!!! I've been convincing myself for the past few months that that was really "exciting" but really it just blows….

Oh yeah, and on top of that I just got dumped! This is my break-up guide for all you pop-cultured, fabulous, Chelsea-Handler type girls who need some guidance or for those who, frankly, just want a laugh.